It's All In The Wrist

 After yesterday’s kick off to my back-to-back sessions going very much against plans, I decided that I needed to take steps for today.  I have a 1pm apt and since I am fasting I needed to occupy my time which I did with some writing on another project I am working on.  But I set myself a firm fast 11 pm deadline to stop.  I also limited my social media which was another suggestion Caitlin made.  I know that social media has a negative affect on the brain so it was the reminder I needed to put it away. 

At 11pm I stopped what I was doing and laid down to do a 10 minute meditation.  I could not find the healing one I was planning to do so I found one on letting go which seemed appropriate.  It had me write words down and throw them into a mental fire which I did.  So I am feeling slightly less agitated right now and hope that will last thru the drive and treatment. But I am reminding myself to be very conscious of the things that do not give me peace and learn to navigate around them on these treatment days.  It is crucial if I am going to give myself the chance at all to heal. 

So I arrived at the treatment and Jym went in with me for the check in and sat with me a bit and gave me hugs and kisses.  I think this helped tremendously.  He did leave before I was called back but I was ok.  I just watched the TV with the pretty pictures and arranged my lozenges, socks and eye mask for easy access inside.  I also booked the final 4 appointments which were hanging out there.  They do tend to book up and I have seen several people trying to book appointments for the next week and not getting what they needed.  With Jym’s schedule so tight I need to make sure I have the days I need. 

I was a bit thrown off when I was called back because I had a new nurse Michelle.  She was very nice and kind but mentally I had not prepared for that and although I went over my check list I forgot one very important thing.  The anti-nausea meds.  I was so focused on all the other things I like for my OCD set up that I didn’t realize they had forgotten to give me that little cup with my pills in it until I was one dose in and reclined.  When she came back for dose 2 I mentioned it but decided that since I already had the bad taste in my mouth from the ketamine, I did not want to add anything else in there so I was just going to try it without. 

I was actually in a good state of mind I think and I was able to focus more and be calmer.  I don’t think my brain did any better really but at least I wasn’t freaking out about it.  I just tried to relax and let whatever happened happen. 

This time when I did the 2^nd dose I squeezed my nose closed when I thought I was going to sneeze and that helped. I still feel like I am not getting the doses in my nose right.  There is a part of the bottle that you put your fingers on and then a small “nose guide” which sits at the base of your nostrils so you don’t go sticking it all up in there.  It kind of stops the advance of the nozzle.  I did try to inhale when was squirting because I tend to forget to do that.  I don’t know.  I am sure by the last dose I will have all this figured out.

So good news is that I did not get sick or vomit without the meds so I think I am good to not use then going forward. It does not really change the nausea but they weren’t helping much with that anyway.  I felt pretty much exactly the same as did on the other 3 doses when I used them so I guess it was really not helping me at all. 

I also allowed myself to rest and allowed whatever came without trying to make my brain work.

One strange thing that happened on this treatment day was that I got a strange pain in my wrist.  It was my left wrist and I think it took me back to my acupuncture days.  I remember one treatment in particular where she had put a needle in my wrist and as I laid on the table that needle burned.  It burned when it went in and it burned the whole length of the acupuncture treatment.  It was very strange to me because usually I never felt the needles and when I did the sensation dissipated almost immediately.  So t feel like I had fire in my wrist the whole time I was on the table was odd.  When she removed the needle with a twist it was as if she removed all of my depression.  I remember the cloud of bad feelings left with the needle like a wisp of smoke.  I have always remembered that moment so when I felt this burning in my wrist during the ketamine trip I had a small burst of hope.  Like the whole alignment of my body, the flow of chi, is being blocked for me in my left wrist and maybe the Ketamine was targeting that area just like the acupuncture did.  I rubbed my wrist with my other hand and massaged it until the pain stopped. 

About an hour in, after my BP check I felt the urge to pee starting up again.  I held out for what was probably 15 minutes or so and then just pressed the call button and went on my way to pee.  I have just decided that it is what it is.  If I have to pee I do.  I just know that as long as it is past the 1 hr mark I will be capable, albeit slightly dizzy, but capable to go.  I peed like a race horse.  I am shocked at how much I have to pee when I am fasting and not drinking anything.  She said it is just a side effect of the drug and this is how some people are affected so if I have to go then I do.  Not only did I go then but I went again at the end and peed a LOT both times.  I am not just going to sit there and be that uncomfortable.  If I have to go I am just going to go and let it be.  So I think I overcame a small hurdle there and just stopped being bothered by it. 

I really felt like it was a good treatment.  I came out of it at least relaxed.  That did not last long however when I saw I had messages on my phone.  My stupid useless family dr is now refusing to refill my Vitamin D prescription with no explanation.  I was so angry and I started to stew in it but was in no condition to call them and then we went into the grocery store on our way home for a quick stop to grab some things I needed for work the next day and Jym left me in there alone.  Some pointers here.  DO NOT allow yourself to be left alone in a store.  I was very disoriented and when it came time to pay I was struggling to do that.  I told Jym that can never happen again.  It is the equivalent of coming out of surgery and walking into the store.  No.  Just no. 

Second be aware that any bad news or things that are said that agitate you will wash in and out of your mind.  I knew I was mad as hell but could not remember what I was mad about.  Then I would remember and forget again.  It was confusing and upsetting simultaneously and fills you with dread.  Just like Caitlin recommended not talking to people who upset you prior to the treatment I would also say this applies to that entire day.  Whatever assholes exist in your life they can wait until the next day.  In fact I need to stop engaging with my phone entirely.  That day is for healing only.  All negativity needs to be shut down.  That includes social media. 

I also started to take Magnesium as per recommendation.  I remembered I was taking a magnesium potassium aspartate or something to help me poop and this treatment has made me extremely constipated so when they recommended magnesium for mood leveling I remembered it could also help my poop problem so I am back on that wagon as well. 

I wish I could say I feel better.  I still don’t.  In fact I ran into a coworker in the hotel lobby the next day and she said “Wow are you ok?  You don’t look good.  You loo so depressed.”  I did not think I looked depressed and in fact probably looked better than I had in days (because I was at work and making a small effort to look “normal”.) so I guess I look worse than I thought. 

I have 4 more treatment days over the next 2 weeks and then I have a mid-way therapy apt where I guess we discuss how it is going.  I hope I see some changes before then.  I am not sure what I should be expecting by then.  I am certain that I have my mind set on finishing this one way or the other.  I need to know I did everything I could to give this the chance it needs to work. 

At least I know some more things I need to be doing in preparation for my treatments and hopefully that will at least help them to be good and not miserable.