The Ketamine Chronicles

Yesterday was a weird one.  I am struggling to write about it for so many reasons. I started my day in total chaos  It is extremely difficult to work out of town and then come back into town for 2 days and leave again.  It piles up the things I have to do on those days and I feel like its always a race to clean and do laundry and pay bills etc.  I did block out time to meditate but I laid there stewing in my chaos and it was not productive.  So it does not shock me at all that I would manifest chaos for this treatment.  I arrived and was the only one there which helped but then as I waited the room filled up with a lot of humans which is a real trigger for me.  Thankfully Jym stayed with me in the waiting room and I was the first one back so that helped too.  This was an intense one for me.  Once you are in the peak range (which lasts a half hr usually) it is like being in a dream but knowing you are in the dream.  You can’t contro...

This morning was my halfway point (4 weeks done, 4 weeks to go) appointment with the psychiatrist.  I love Dr Sedney.  I have been thru a LOT of psychiatrists over the 40 years of depression and none of them like her.  She is so personable and calming and more about me and not pushing her med agenda which I love.  This was the point to discuss where I am and where I want to go and what my options are moving forward.  It was so helpful and gave me a lot to think about.  She asked me how I have been doing and I told her that I was a problem child those first few weeks with my getting sick all the time and having my meltdown that it wasn’t working on session 3.  I told her how helpful Caitlin has been and how I have been taking the magnesium as well as meditating before the therapy which has really helped.  I also told her that I started to feel a slight change and noticed my score went up on the survey so felt positive about that.  I expres...

Well this is a good example of how awful I am at putting me first and being able to just stop the world and focus on what I need.  So I wake up and I am all planning on doing my meditation.  I have my ketamine scheduled for 11 so we leave at 10 so I do the meditation at 9.  I try to get things done around the house before that.  So I don’t notice there is a problem until around 8 when I sit down at my laptop and glance over at the DVR box for the time and see it is dark. WTF.  I did get an email that they were doing an upgrade overnight so maybe it shut the box off somehow.  I tried to turn it on, wiggled the cables, the whole 9 yards.  Nothing.  I call Spectrum and their useless no human line where the bot attempts to reboot the box unsuccessfully.  It then tells me to wait 10 minutes and call back if it doesn’t magically restart.  I used that 10 minutes to lose my mind.  I knew that box was not coming back up including everythin...

Session 7.  I was hoping it would be lucky session 7 but it was a weird day.  I downloaded a new meditation and tried to relax.  Today was Jym’s appointment regarding his kidney surgery and although I wanted to be with him it was the only apt we could get so he dropped me off.  I waited in the lobby for about 20 minutes and the TV screen was stuck on a waterfall after a few minutes of that I decided to read some Ireland blogs.  I was relaxed and ready when I went back. I did ask if it would be possible for me to stay in the chair a bit longer today as I was going to have to wait for Jym to get back to pick me up and they worked it out so I could do that which was so helpful. I guess every session has to be different in some way.  Today’s challenge was the noise cancelling headset that plays the soft music.  It kept shutting off.  I literally pressed the call button for the nurse 10 times.  The worst part of this was not just being the “pr...

I recognize that in this process there will be days I will want to write about and days I do not.  But I also recognize that in total transparency it is my responsibility to be honest at all times whether that is good or bad or indifferent because all of those days are part of the process.  The first thing I would like to say is how crucial support is in this process.  You cannot do it alone.  And I don’t mean just having a ride there.  I have found that the smallest words of support from people really matter.  And they are noticed, probably more than usual because I need it SO MUCH.  I guess when you are thirsty the smallest drop of water is everything.  That is how I feel now.  It helps to be lifted up when you aren’t sure you can do that for yourself.  I have had some amazing support from my brothers in this but also friends.  This morning I got a message from an old friend on messenger just telling me to keep going and it wa...

This morning I was feeling the weight of some issues in my life and knew I needed to shut that down before my session.  I stick with my 1 hour before I leave plan of meditation and today I tried a new one I had on my ipod.  I found that the guided meditation was too specific for me and so I went with one that was simply healing music that is intended to heal with the tone. I felt that was more relaxing and allowed me to take my mind where I needed it to go. I thought about how the ketamine is maybe forcing the negative stuff to the surface and imagined it digging down into the blackness and felt it was like a volcano but pushing the bad stuff up and that is maybe why I feel so bad right now.  I am extra super depressed this last week and very aware of my social anxiety.  I don’t want to go out with anyone and even had to force myself to have dinner Wednesday with my friend at work.  I have been reclusive for some time now but it feels exacerbated for sure now....

 After yesterday’s kick off to my back-to-back sessions going very much against plans, I decided that I needed to take steps for today.  I have a 1pm apt and since I am fasting I needed to occupy my time which I did with some writing on another project I am working on.  But I set myself a firm fast 11 pm deadline to stop.  I also limited my social media which was another suggestion Caitlin made.  I know that social media has a negative affect on the brain so it was the reminder I needed to put it away.  At 11pm I stopped what I was doing and laid down to do a 10 minute meditation.  I could not find the healing one I was planning to do so I found one on letting go which seemed appropriate.  It had me write words down and throw them into a mental fire which I did.  So I am feeling slightly less agitated right now and hope that will last thru the drive and treatment. But I am reminding myself to be very conscious of the things that do not gi...

 Well if my plane had an engine sputtering earlier in the day it was just the start of the whole plane going down in flames. I had Jym drop me off at the clinic so he could go to the post office to mail a box.  I feel like I have not gotten a lot done this last week and had so much going on so I asked him to help with this errand.  I went inside and signed in and tried to focus my energy on the big TV screen with beautiful scenery.  There was one guy in the room initially and he was playing games on his phone LOUDLY.  I don’t know why people feel the need to do things at full volume with no headset in a quiet waiting room.  It was distracting.  Eventually more people showed up and the room filled with people.  Some talking and I allowed myself to get distracted with annoyances instead of meditating on my treatment.  By the time I was called to the room I was all in my head and putting on my socks and getting out my eye mask and lozenges....

 Last Thursday after my French fry emergency at Disney Springs where I felt like I was going to imminently hurl my fries all over everyone in my vicinity, I have noticed that a constant sense of nausea has moved in.  It was particularly bad since the 2 nd dose.  I thought that if I just gave it a day I would see it reducing but I have not and went the entire weekend feeling like absolute shit.  Now in defense of the drug, I did donate blood on Saturday morning.  This was possibly a poor choice but as usual I always think I can do everything.  I am not willing to allow my body the time it needs to heal.  For me blood donation is the one thing I have left at this point where I feel I am giving positively to something and honestly this is Pride month and I never miss this month.  I also know with my work schedule that it was not going to be easier to find a day to donate so I took the one day I had.  I woke up Saturday feeling extremely nau...

This was my first time alone at the clinic. Cindy dropped me off out front and I entered alone.  I texted Jym to remind him to sign in as my driver when he arrives and started my check in process.  They called me back almost immediately and I put on my fuzzy socks and got out my lozenge.  I bought a small pack of Dr John’s all natural fruit lozenges to hopefully take the terrible taste out of my mouth from the drug.  I pulled out my own sleep mask like a pro and I was all set.  I went to the bathroom twice just to be sure.  LOL.  I did not want another repeat of the wheelchair situation.  I did ask if there was anything I could do to avoid it and Caitlin said no so it was going to be what it was.  I was also given the meds again to avoid nausea and vomiting.  The full dose of Spravato consists of 3 vials.  One spray in each nostril with intervals of 5 minutes between vials.  I started the first squirt with the blindfold off b...

My first full dose treatment is at 1 today (Wednesday was the introductory dose) and my friend Cindy is being generous enough to take me there. Jym will pick me up afterward.  It is a challenge to navigate transport sometimes because the clinic is so far from me (about an hour) and I don’t have a lot of friends here to help so Jym and I are trying to do most of this alone like we do everything but sometimes it takes a village you know. It will be nice to have a friend in those moments before, but I will be in the clinic alone without Jym which is going to suck.  My nerves get the best of me there I think.  And I can’t see today being any better than Wednesday except I know a bit more of what to expect as far as the process goes.  Yesterday I had a weird incident.  I had run over to Disney Springs to grab a baby gift for a friend and I had not really eaten except some corn at home before I left.  I didn’t want a meal and just felt not hungry so I grabbed...

They finally called me back about 20 minutes after my appointment was to begin.  I guess they just do a cattle call for everyone at the same time and then filter people back as the treatment cubes become available.  Thankfully I was the first of the 8 or 10 people there to be called back.  I did ask for the anti-nausea meds in the lobby but they said they would notify the doctor but no one came out with them so I asked again when I was taken back.  I was also able to use the restroom.  The area in the back is very spa like.  Quiet, dark, soothing décor.  They walked me to a cubicle which was on its exterior like a small hospital cubicle in the ER.  Very sterile walls and behind the large leather recliner a full set up medical devices.  On the wall next to the chair was a noise-canceling headset and on the small tray was a little sleep mask wrapped in its safety cellophane.  The nurse left me there for a bit.  I think this is whe...

I had a wonderful day on Tuesday at epcot.  It was exactly what I needed to prepare myself mentally and let’s be honest, to distract me. It was exactly what I needed and I was totally relaxed and separated from the thoughts and fears I had about the upcoming treatment.  Wednesday morning I got up early.  I did not eat of drink at all and was fasting.  I wanted to make sure I had nothing in me to throw up.  I didn’t even take my thyroid meds which are usually my morning pill but I was afraid to put anything in there.  I was told later that it is ok to take the pill with a small bit of water so I will definitely do that next time.  But I wanted to be certain.  One thing I was warned against was having arguments prior to the treatments.  They want you to be relaxed so you can have the best experience possible and not a “bad trip”.  They said that if I do feel that has happened to let them know and they will talk to me until I am in a go...