Not even functional

Just went to the grocery store and driving home remembered I forgot...FOOD. I just sat in my car at the red light and cried.

 

I feel like on a basic level I am not even functioning. I know I've said I'm broken before but I need to clarify. I'm like a ceramic pot. But not just chipped. It's like I fell off a balcony onto the street and as I'm trying to just gather the pieces to figure out how to put them back together again, people are kicking them and stepping on them, pulverizing them to powder. I just don't see a way that I will ever put any of this together again.

 

This is the way that depression and anxiety speak to me.  It is the hopelessness and the dialogue I have in my head. I honestly do not know how I manage this for the next few months.  I am probably worse now than I have ever been across the breadth of this disease and that is a LONG almost 40 years.  Most days I feel beyond helpless.  I have found myself staring off the balcony into the atrium below me at the hotel and considering jumping.  Not seriously.  I mean the thought just crosses my mind.  It worries me that if at some point I am unable to discern right from wrong and lets just say I feel like I should ask for a room on the 2nd floor just to be safe. I don’t even trust myself anymore.  I am that bad off.

 

I ruined 3 dinners in a row for my husband during the time I was home from work.  I hadn’t done much cooking the previous 9 weeks partly due to being on the road and also due to Jym’s schedule at work on the few days I was home but this last week gave me an opportunity to cook for him.  I made a total mess of the meals.  I just can’t focus most days and these basic things get away from me. 

 

On a positive note, my husband is very kind and very understanding of this and wants to do everything he can to help me.  So he actually cooked us dinner tonight to take that burden off of me.  I feel so useless.  I can’t even make a trip to the grocery store or cook a dinner for my husband.  I am not sure where the bottom is right now. 

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