To Fill the Void

While I await my actual treatment I am filling the void between the psychiatrist and the actual drug partly with nursing my depression and anxiety and partly with finding ways that I can navigate a better experience to come.  I have done some online research and one of the things they recommend is engaging in talk therapy before and during the months of treatment.  I have decided to supplement the talk therapy from the clinic with therapy which my insurance covers so I made an appointment with a new therapist and hoped for the best.

I waited several weeks to do this although I knew it was something I needed and wanted to do.  But finding a therapist you can trust and connect with is HARD.  I actually had one apt with a woman who I loved but she quit and so I had to go with her replacement. I am not finding my connection yet with her as strong and I am not sure that this is the right path for me.  But I was grateful for some of the suggestions she made of alternative therapies. 

When I told her I was pursuing a course of Ketamine therapy I could almost feel the judgement.  Maybe that is all in my head.  Maybe it is what I expected.  I find that saying it out loud to even the people close to me results in a lot of misunderstanding because most people know little to nothing about Ketamine and what they do know is of its reputation as an animal tranquilizer and street drug.  It is hard to overcome that and have people really appreciate the possibilities of this new therapy.  I was hesitant at first to even bring it up with people in my life so saying it to my own doctor is a challenge and one I have avoided. 

In the past my family doctor has seemed very closed off to my Eastern medicine leanings including the Chinese herbs I was taking for my menopausal hot flashes.   So mentioning that I am even considering Ketamine as an option to treat my depression and anxiety, when in her mind she has plenty of drugs at the ready for that, seems ludicrous.  It is difficult to stand in my own truth and remember what I have been through and own this path fully because right now this could be a total fail.  Not everything I have tried outside the bounds of modern western medicine have worked.  Some have, some have not.  So in my mind all I can do is research and try.  But getting other people, especially those committed to the boundaries of western medicine as they know and understand it, is the hard part. 

I fully recognize also that is not my job to change their minds.  They are in service to me as my doctors and therapists and if they do not accept that then I need to move on to someone who will.  As far as my family and friends understanding, I can only lay it out for them with facts and science and let them judge me however they see fit.  This is 100% my journey and I need to own it and so the first step is to just put it out there.  And I did. 

Whether she agreed or disagreed I guess I put my guard way up.  She began explaining to me the science as she knows it, of how serotonin works in the body.  I thought for certain this was going to end up being some lecture on how I need the prescription drugs to treat my depression and anxiety.  I think I started to close down to what she was saying despite me nodding my head.  Eventually her ultimate point was that drugs often become the only path people take and it should always be a multimodal approach including other therapies etc.  I was open to her suggestions on things to try because I have nothing but time right now filled with suicidal thoughts and crippling anxiety so why not try whatever and hope for some relief?

One of her recommendations was something called EFT (emotional freedom tapping) which is a technique utilizing the acupuncture meridians.  I was very connected to this option as it aligns with what worked for me in the past.  It involves first an acknowledgement that I am having anxiety and what that anxiety is.  She said that denying it will only exacerbate it.  So I need to own it and say it out loud or even just in my head.  Then it starts with tapping points on the meridian while simultaneously acknowledging the anxiety.  Wrists, the top of the head, between the eye brows, sides of the eyes, under the eyes, under the nose, chin, collarbone and sides of the ribs.  I believe this is intended to open the pathways and allow the flow of chi through the body.  This makes sense to me but I am not sure how well it works.  I definitely need to give it the old college try and do this more often.  I am also not certain this would be something that would not look bizarre if I was doing it in public where I very well might have a panic attack.  But behind closed doors it is a viable option for certain and maybe if I did it more regularly it would level me out.  Not sure but willing to try. 

Another suggestion she had was TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation).  I actually had a friend recommend this and I did look into it.  It shows a lot of promise.  This therapy involves mapping the brain and using a giant magnet placed against the head to send magnetic pulses to certain targeted areas of the brain.  There is science behind it and it is non-invasive so it feels like an excellent option to try especially because, like Ketamine, it is often covered by insurance via a pre authorization.  The downsides of this therapy are that you have to find someone who does it, which, like the ketamine, is not always convenient.  The even worse part is that it requires a commitment of 5 days a week for up to 8 weeks!  That is a LOT and although I can at least drive myself to and from the therapy it is not even remotely possible to understand how I would make that work 5 days a week for even a month.  I mean who can do this?  Unless you live or work next to the clinic or don’t have a job, I am not sure how people navigate this treatment.  I am very open to it though and will keep it in my back pocket as an option if the Ketamine fails. 

Overall I was thankful to have a few more tools in my tool box, as she said, to tackle the depression and anxiety and be able to navigate this path with more options which I am always welcoming.