Disconnected

Walking toward the glass hotel door I glimpsed my reflection as I took a heavy sigh before exiting and heading back to work.  As I approached the door I could see my reflection as a double like I was a ghost following behind myself.  I am sure it was simply a trick of the light on the glass but for me it could not have been more representative of my life right now.  My soul is disconnected from my body.  I am a shell, an empty shell wandering around attending to the small useless tasks of life and completely unable to focus any energy on anything but basic survival. 

It has been my hope that Ketamine will reconnect me, will rejoin the soul to my body.  They say that the drug can create an out of body experience.  I already feel like I am having that.  But in a bad way.  I feel like I am inside my empty shell and my soul is off wandering away from me.

How can I survive the weeks ahead of me and to what end?  What if this doesn’t work and I am back to square one? What if I am one of those people that this doesn’t work for? My husband says “what if it DOES work?” and I do have every hope it will but I also know that things that work for everyone else never seem to work for me so all I can do now is sit here in my anxiety about it all and hope for different this time. 

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