Down In Flames

 Well if my plane had an engine sputtering earlier in the day it was just the start of the whole plane going down in flames.

I had Jym drop me off at the clinic so he could go to the post office to mail a box.  I feel like I have not gotten a lot done this last week and had so much going on so I asked him to help with this errand.  I went inside and signed in and tried to focus my energy on the big TV screen with beautiful scenery.  There was one guy in the room initially and he was playing games on his phone LOUDLY.  I don’t know why people feel the need to do things at full volume with no headset in a quiet waiting room.  It was distracting. 

Eventually more people showed up and the room filled with people.  Some talking and I allowed myself to get distracted with annoyances instead of meditating on my treatment.  By the time I was called to the room I was all in my head and putting on my socks and getting out my eye mask and lozenges.  Like I have a process.  I took my anti-nausea meds and then had a discussion with Caitlin about the nausea I am experiencing even days after.  She suggested it could be a mild bug in me and not the drug but said that it is possible it is a reaction to the drug albeit a rare one.  She offered to prescribe me some Zofran and recommended ginger.  I also asked about using my CBD as I was not sure what the interaction would be but since I have an isolate which strips out the THC and just gives you the healing part of the drug I am fine to use it if it helps. 

I staggered my lozenge this time and actually did that perfectly as it was done right about the same time as the bad taste in my mouth so the key is indeed to wait a few minutes after my first dose.  I am not at all sure where it all went downhill from there.  Might have started with dose 3 which I promptly sneezed out onto my shirt.  It kind of took me by surprise so I didn’t have time to plan for it plus I am there with my blindfold on and trying to get the sprayer into my nose right.  Then ACHOO.  Great. Caitlin was not in the cubicle with me when this happened but she did tell me later that the drug is absorbed pretty quickly into the mucosa of the nose so she doesn’t think I sneezed enough out to make a difference.

So I just don’t even know what to say about the next hour.  It was like my life in general, a hot mess.  My mind was all over the place and I could not shut down the negative thoughts.  They would just be replaced with new bad thoughts. Then the bad thoughts manifest.  They say to really focus on the feelings and not what you are seeing and I did try to do that but it was all overwhelmed by my insanity and my stupid brain not shutting up.

Then I started to feel hopeless.  I would like to share with you some epiphany or great insight I discovered about myself like I am supposed to be doing but instead I was busy berating myself for not focusing and wasting this day etc.  But wait.  Not before I had to pee.  I probably had to pee at the half hour mark but there is no way you are getting up in the middle of the trip.  This is possibly one of the things that distracted me and caused me to be unable to relax and allow the journey.  Even after my 45 minute blood pressure check (which is about an hour after you start the doses) I was just squirming.  I was putting the chair up and down and trying to get comfortable but to no avail. 

Finally I gave up and pressed the call button.  A nurse came and I told her I had to pee.  She asked if I can get there without the wheelchair and I said I could as I was right around the corner from it but I was extremely dizzy getting there and back but MAN did I have to pee.  Like I don’t even know where it is all coming from because I did not drink or eat since last night so I feel like a sponge that the drug is squeezing. 

By the time I made it back and tucked myself back into my chair I hoped I would feel better and be able to at least rest for the back end hour but alas that was not the case.  For about a half hour I filled my thoughts with all my sadness and hopelessness.  I kept trying to tell myself that I would be fine and that this was only my 3^rd time and I can’t expect a miracle, etc.  But it just got worse and worse and in typical fashion I just spiraled down into the well.  I eventually filled my mask with tears and all the padding around my eyes was saturated with the weight of the salt and liquid.  I had to take the mask off despite still being dizzy.  I waffled between crying and wanting to puke.  Then that all just made it worse.  I was reaching for my bag which was hanging on a hook at the entrance to my pod. I had a pack of tissues in it.  I managed to get that and blow my nose. Eventually I was doing that silent sobbing but they have cameras so before long Caitlin showed up with a box of tissues and her kind compassionate gentleness. 

I told her that I was frustrated just feeling like I hope every time to feel better at least a little.  I remember the therapist saying most people leave their treatments feeling loved and embraced and calm and here I am feeling hopeless and lost and panicked.  I swear I cried thru a half a box of tissues. 

She said that I need to remember that I did not get this bad overnight and no drug will fix me overnight.  This will take time and just because some people have very early and fast response does not mean I won’t eventually.  I think I kind of feel like if I am going to have a positive response then you would imagine I would see results or at least start to head in a positive direction.  I don’t expect to be all better but at least not be having these awful moments.  3 people have died of this treatment at their own hands so it is entirely in the realm of possibility that I could end up worse. It happens.  I mean it is not the norm and no different from any anti-depressant that can cause you to regress instead of progress but it can happen. And the fact that I was still suicidal after 3 treatments is not boding well for me in my mind. I mean it isn’t like I can get much worse which was my attitude when I started but when you go thru all of this and all of these side effects and don’t feel better it is at the very least disheartening.

Caitlin said that I need to be able to give myself grace for even showing up for this process twice a week and the commitment I have made to it.  She offered me a list of meditations  and things I can try to help me better this process for myself so I need to read thru those and really get back on this horse and ride.  And I have no time to reset because I am having a treatment tomorrow.  So I need to get it together FAST.