Halfway

I recognize that in this process there will be days I will want to write about and days I do not.  But I also recognize that in total transparency it is my responsibility to be honest at all times whether that is good or bad or indifferent because all of those days are part of the process. 

The first thing I would like to say is how crucial support is in this process.  You cannot do it alone.  And I don’t mean just having a ride there.  I have found that the smallest words of support from people really matter.  And they are noticed, probably more than usual because I need it SO MUCH.  I guess when you are thirsty the smallest drop of water is everything.  That is how I feel now.  It helps to be lifted up when you aren’t sure you can do that for yourself. 

I have had some amazing support from my brothers in this but also friends.  This morning I got a message from an old friend on messenger just telling me to keep going and it was just a much needed boost before my treatment.  I came home to a card from another friend which was unexpected and very welcomed.  I have had a lot of support even from people I am not close to.  So I am grateful for that in every way. 

I am also very aware of where I am NOT receiving support and from whom that is lacking.  I am almost baffled by it because some of those people are people close to me.  I don’t really have to worry about them reading this since they clearly don’t give a shit and won’t be wasting time reading this blog.  I will only say that this treatment has made me overly sensitive to the love that is coming in and also the lack of it.  Don’t get me wrong, this is not the first time I have felt unsupported by these people.  But it is sadly just a time I am more hypersensitive to it.  I have a heightened awareness of who is there for me and who is not. Don’t get me wrong, I know this process is strange to people and a lot to take in.  It is also not a mainstream depression treatment that people are used to. I think some people don’t understand the process or the treatments and think I am just “doing drugs” legally.  Who knows. That is part of the reason I am doing this blog. To reduce the stigma. Maybe some people are not open minded enough to even learn, or too selfish to care really. Maybe I just expect too much of people.

This morning I had an early apt and it is the one time I had the 9am session.  I did not do this intentionally but because Jym asked off for the wrong day at work and so I had to make an adjustment so he could get to work and I could still do this.  The problem with the 9am is really just the early hour.  I don’t have the time to prepare myself mentally for the session.  I tried to meditate but ended up staring at the ceiling for 15 minutes all up in my head about things.  It did not help that I have been extremely sick since the last treatment when I foolishly opted out of the anti-nausea drugs until it was too late and I was dry heaving in the lobby. I really struggled yesterday to even be any kind of functional.  I went to the grocery store and halfway through thought I was going to vomit.  The grocery store is NOT a place you want to hurl.  Just saying.

So I had a night of vivid nightmares and felt very unrested and then had to try to meditate on that.  It did not go well.  So as I was leaving for the treatment I saw the message from a friend and it really helped me to reset.  

They only open at 9 so I got there a few before and waited and then when we went in we were the first there so it was pretty quiet which was unexpected but no complaints.  I think I was in an ok place when I went back.  I Was also in the end cubicle next to the bathroom for my inevitable pee attack so that was good.  I don’t know what to say about this session.  I felt it more for some reason and not in a good way.  In an “I’m feeling like puking” kind of way.  It was weird.  I felt very off center. Very disconnected from the universe.  Like there were waves of the universe and I was just in a place of chaos.  I don’t know how to describe it. I also felt extremely dizzy and groggy heading to the bathroom halfway thru.  Then when it was time for me to leave I was not good again.  I did not throw up but just felt very out of it and also sick.  I sat in the lobby waiting for Jym and tried to close my eyes a bit. (He walks around the city while I am in the session because he doesn’t want to sit there for hours which I understand).

I need to remind myself that the “trip” is not the treatment.  It is the residual of the drug and not the healing of the drug.  I need to remind myself of that every day because I think I expect too much.  Every session is not going to be a life altering epiphany.  I just need to go thru this process to get the drug safely and effectively administered and into my body.  It is the work it does behind the scenes that is what is healing my brain.  But don’t get me wrong, a few unicorns and rainbows would be nice. LOL.  I would not complain is all I am saying.  Instead I am just thinking about pulling weeds and how to adjust my recliner so I feel less like puking. 

This was session #6.  The halfway point.  So I think I put a lot of pressure on it to be a good one.  Especially after the last one being so good.  I sincerely hoped I would continue to move in a positive direction.  But I am not considering this a setback.  It is just part of the process.  I will have good days and bad days and meh days in this and I need to take them all.  A good quilt is not made of one color.  I need to take the dark and the light threads in their place. 

I hope I do not go through all of this for nothing.  I hope that the healing does come.  I know that with this treatment there is no “normal”.  Some people have the fast response to the drug and some have a later response and some sadly no response.  I knew going into this that I could be any of those scenarios.  I just have to keep going to whatever end is intended for me. 

After my session I was so groggy I could hardly get to the car and when I got home I made myself some eggs and went to bed.  I know they said to not nap as it can cause you to not sleep at night but I didn’t care.  I needed to sleep.  I was also feeling sick so I just wanted to lay down.  I slept for a few hours and then got up and felt so much better.  I am so tired now so I am pretty certain I will sleep tonight and that the long nap did not do me in but I guess time will tell.  I think this drug just really exhausts me.  I need to listen to my body more and let it get the rest it needs.