Monsters

This was my first time alone at the clinic. Cindy dropped me off out front and I entered alone.  I texted Jym to remind him to sign in as my driver when he arrives and started my check in process.  They called me back almost immediately and I put on my fuzzy socks and got out my lozenge.  I bought a small pack of Dr John’s all natural fruit lozenges to hopefully take the terrible taste out of my mouth from the drug.  I pulled out my own sleep mask like a pro and I was all set.  I went to the bathroom twice just to be sure.  LOL.  I did not want another repeat of the wheelchair situation.  I did ask if there was anything I could do to avoid it and Caitlin said no so it was going to be what it was.  I was also given the meds again to avoid nausea and vomiting. 

The full dose of Spravato consists of 3 vials.  One spray in each nostril with intervals of 5 minutes between vials.  I started the first squirt with the blindfold off but did the next 2 with it on.  I still feel awkward with the sprayer in my hand and not being able to see it is even harder.  You have to just feel your way around for the finger placement and listen for the click of the “green light” to go out.  Then the nurse will check to make sure. 

I was anxious about the full dose “trip”.  I did not know what to expect.  I have to say that it was very equivalent to the lower dose.  I did not notice more intensity.  I also did not have the bad pee reaction.  I mean I had to definitely pee by the end of the 2 hours but not so bad that it affected my relaxation or made me press the call button. 

The sleep mask I used helped tremendously.  No light leakage at all and it allowed me to open my eyes as it sits away from my eyes with cushions.  I felt this gives me a better and more comfortable way to embrace the drug sensations without getting sick.  I also LOVED the lozenge idea.  It worked perfectly and the Dr Johns all natural lozenges lasted the perfect amount of time.  I think I will hesitate a few minutes next time to put it in my mouth (I did it right away this time and it was gone a few minutes before the worst of the taste left my mouth).  The fuzzy socks also helped because I got rather cold and pulled the blanket up at one point and somehow pulled it off my feet but that was ok because I had the socks on.  So I made some really good changes I think that improved my experience exponentially. 

As far as the trip, I would like to say that first of all the trip is very mild.  It is not like you would think it would be.  The Spravato reduces the part of the drug that causes the high and increases the part of the drug that does the healing so it is not as intense as even the IV.  But I will say you are just as capable of having a bad trip.  At first I could not shut up my stupid brain. I literally will sit there and think of the grocery store list or things I have to do.  This time it was a panic that I forgot to give Jym the address and worried he wouldn’t remember how to get there to pick me up.  UGH.  Shut up stupid brain.  I deserve these 2 lousy hours with no interruptions to HEAL myself.  Everything else can wait.  But my brain does not see it that way apparently. 

Eventually I talked myself into just allowing the experience to happen. I saw a lot of greens and some purple again (purple seems to be my color for sure) but there was a LOT of green this time and then the monsters.  I was warned by the nurses that the mind can create very strange things and I should not ever focus on what I am seeing but more on the feelings associated with those creations of the mind.  I also did not google anything regarding the experience as per recommendations because there are a LOT of people’s bad experiences out there and they didn’t want me to be tainted on that.  So this is my experience as it was with no preconceived notions. 

They were definitely monsters.  One monster that would morph into another monster.  Different shapes and colors but all definitely monsters.  They did not feel good and I could feel my mind starting to panic.  I will say that at all points during this you are in control of your thoughts.  You can choose to think your way through this.  You don’t really control what you see but you can think 100% for yourself in these moments.  I do not think that I would be able to speak without sounding drunk or move my mouth even but inside the brain your consciousness is still fully intact.  I told myself that this is not real and it is trying to release something inside me and I needed to recognize that they were not going to hurt me.  I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous.  I don’t even know why I am writing about it except that it is part of my experience and I promised to be 100% honest and open about that experience good and bad.  I also know that writing it down can allow me to further analyze it.

I am not a fan of seeing monsters.  But I also know I did not properly prepare my mental state that day.  I was reading a book about my former employer.  It was a book about monsters.  The monsters I knew and the monsters I have allowed to reside in my own mind.  So I need to find a way to flush them out once and for all.  When I told Jym about the monsters in my “trip” and said there were a lot of monsters but always just one morphing into another.  Like I just replace one monster in my life with another monster and Jym said “Maybe they are all the same monster”.  This also has the potential to be true.  And it is something I need to ruminate on. 

The healing of Ketamine is in the drug.  It is in the way the drug can regrow and reconnect the broken synapses in the brain.  It works in you even after the treatment.  The “Trip” is merely a residual part of the drug.  A side effect if you will.  It is not the healing.  But it can be a path to better healing and helping you understand the workings of your own brain if you allow it and fully embrace the entire journey.  Yes I could just lay there and view the “trip” as merely a remnant of the treatment but I am choosing to understand that it is PART of the treatment.  And although the drug is working in different ways in the far reaches of my brain, the trip is allowing me a glimpse into what is buried deep inside those broken places.  It is what is behind the closed door of my mind if I am only willing to look and allow the hard work and analysis that will help to heal my soul and mental brain while the Ketamine drug heals my physical brain.  If you ignore the trip or do not allow yourself to dip into that dark place you will not be getting the full benefit of the treatment.  So for me a few monsters will not deter me from continuing this path.  I have been dealing with real life monsters for a long time.  So surely I can take some scary looking muti colored ones in the dark reaches of my mind.  And unlike the real monsters in my life, these monsters, were just shadows, ghosts of the real ones gone in a puff of purple smoke.  They were but a very small glimpse into how broken I am.  Maybe that is why this is taking a bit to kick in and work for me.  Maybe I am just more broken.

I am willing to see this path thru to whatever end but every day I hope for healing.  I am having to remind myself that this drug needs time to work.  It has a lot of healing to do in there and what fell apart in my brain over the last 7 years did not happen overnight.  The healing will also not happen overnight.  Even the acupuncture that put me in my first remission was not a one week solution.  It was a long couple of months until I came out of the darkness and stepped into the bold sunlight of that remission.  There were days I did not think it was working either so I need to remember that and be patient with myself and this process. 

I also need to remember that in the end if this does not work at all, that it is not a failure.  It is something I will have completed and given everything to and it will be a step on the path toward healing.  Even if it isn’t the solution I am seeking, it is part of the journey and what doesn’t work for me might work for someone else.  Maybe these blog posts will guide someone else to their own healing.  Maybe my healing is elsewhere.  I don’t know.  I won’t make that call for another 2 months.  But right now I need to remember it and not put the pressure on myself of expectations.

I also need to be able to find a way to allow myself to sit in that room for 2 hours and shut out everything beyond the door.  I deserve to heal.  I deserve that time to not think about all the bullshit in my life that needs to get done.  Not the wrecked car or the mess in the house or the job situation.  Nothing. Just me and whatever it takes to relax and access the parts of my brain I have denied myself.  I need to spend each morning before treatment focused only on me and my healing.  I need to not intermingle that day with anything else but healing.  I wish I had told myself that before I started the treatments but it’s ok because I know now.  I need to give myself the grace and recognition of the extensive learning curve I am up against.  I am also saying this so anyone considering this therapy can take my lessons and gain from them. 

When I got out of the session Jym was there. I am always a bit groggy and unsteady afterward.  It is similar to when you wake up from surgery.  He wandered me around the corner to the café with the umbrellas which I wanted to see but I am a grown ass adult carrying a giant stuffed penguin and very clearly out of it.  We got a piece of carrot cake to go and headed on our way home.  I was starving.  I did eat eggs that morning at 7am but that was it and it was now almost 4:00 in the afternoon.  This does seem to be helping me control my eating. LOL.  And also I am not hungry at all on the other days now which I like.  Controlling my eating has been hard so we will see how I do at work next week.  I am also curious how I will handle 2 treatment days in a row.  Always a new experience each week I guess.