Side Effects

 Last Thursday after my French fry emergency at Disney Springs where I felt like I was going to imminently hurl my fries all over everyone in my vicinity, I have noticed that a constant sense of nausea has moved in.  It was particularly bad since the 2nd dose.  I thought that if I just gave it a day I would see it reducing but I have not and went the entire weekend feeling like absolute shit. 

Now in defense of the drug, I did donate blood on Saturday morning.  This was possibly a poor choice but as usual I always think I can do everything.  I am not willing to allow my body the time it needs to heal.  For me blood donation is the one thing I have left at this point where I feel I am giving positively to something and honestly this is Pride month and I never miss this month.  I also know with my work schedule that it was not going to be easier to find a day to donate so I took the one day I had. 

I woke up Saturday feeling extremely nauseous.  At several points I actually thought there was no way I could even get in the car and get myself to the donation site.  But I ate a small breakfast and pounded electrolytes and started to feel better.  I thought maybe it was just dehydration or lack of food and I went on my way.  The donation went fine and I actually came home and doubled down on the electrolytes and tried to regain my strength from the blood draw. 

I spent yesterday at Disney with my bestie who I have not seen in a while and did not want to miss the opportunity to be with her.  I took a Pepto ultra and hoped that would calm my stomach down.  I actually ate very little which for me at Disney is a real challenge.  I came home and ate nothing as well.  I tried to eat a hard boiled egg at 9pm knowing that I had to fast for my treatment in the morning and would not be able to eat.  Even the egg made me feel ill. 

On top of it I have a constant feeling like I am drunk or like maybe I have had 2 glasses of wine.  Like not smashed but loopy.  And not in a good pleasant way.  There is also a residual vertigo which I expected as I have suffered with vertigo in the past so I can manage my way around that.  If I turn my head too quickly up or down or side to side I feel it so I just try to watch that.  I also have felt like I might have the diarrhea but so far have not.  The exhaustion I expected as well and it is fierce.  I don’t really feel like sleeping, just a sense of complete and absolute exhaustion.  I can’t describe it.  The one positive is that I have been sleeping well.  Like almost too well.  I will sleep 10 hours and not even get up to pee (which for anyone who knows me is abnormal.  I will pee every 2 hrs at night so to not pee at all is just weird.  Then when I do wake up and pee it makes me feel like I have a bladder infection from holding my pee so long. I know probably TMI but when you get promised transparency from me that is what you get 100% of. LOL)

Ironically when I lost my appetite it was actually a good thing since my weight is out of control.  Not being hungry helped me to eat way less and that was a good thing.  Still is.  But having no appetite and feeling like you are going to puke up the saliva you swallowed is another thing.  If I can just find a way to tamp that down. 

Also I need to say that I do not think this is normal or how everyone processes this drug.  I don’t know because a lot of people do not talk openly about it.  But also I am always an anomaly.  I am not someone who can handle street drugs or even alcohol so take what I am saying in that context.  This is all probably just me and not something most people would experience with this as I don’t want to scare or sour people from trying something that might actually work for them.  I am just laying this journey out as I go so everyone can see thru the glass.  So don’t think this will be your experience.  It is simply mine.  And I am a hot mess.  

I can deal with everything (albeit I am certain it will be a long 2 months) but the nausea is really bad and I need to bring that up with the doctor today.  I hope they have advice or meds that can lessen this for me and at least make it tolerable.  I am doing 2 days back-to-back for my treatments this week and then have to go to work on Wednesday.  Thankfully I am relief this week and have another week off in between which will help but then I head into 3 weeks straight and that is going to be a grind for me.  I am pretty much going to get treatment, sleep and work.  So I need to get this under control to at least make it manageable. 

I feel like I found a good place with the treatments themselves and was confident that to whatever end I could persevere thru them but these side effects are way more than I bargained for.  I remember the therapist telling me that I needed to tell myself that I trust my body and my mind to heal me.  The truth is that I don’t. I can say it 1000 times over and over and pretend I am some enlightened yogi but the truth is that my body and mind are broken.  They have been for a long time and I don’t trust either of them.  I don’t know how I can be more honest about that.  Writing this before my treatment is probably as bad as reading a scathing tell all about my former employer right before my treatment.  It is just not good for the soul.  But I am in the place I am in.  The nausea really just puts me in a bad frame of mind to start to think about this stuff so I think I need to focus on the field of flowers on the TV in the lobby or something and get right with my soul before this.  But the hour has drawn near and it is time for round 3…

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