The Bell

Yesterday was a weird one.  I am struggling to write about it for so many reasons.

I started my day in total chaos  It is extremely difficult to work out of town and then come back into town for 2 days and leave again.  It piles up the things I have to do on those days and I feel like its always a race to clean and do laundry and pay bills etc.  I did block out time to meditate but I laid there stewing in my chaos and it was not productive.  So it does not shock me at all that I would manifest chaos for this treatment. 

I arrived and was the only one there which helped but then as I waited the room filled up with a lot of humans which is a real trigger for me.  Thankfully Jym stayed with me in the waiting room and I was the first one back so that helped too. 

This was an intense one for me.  Once you are in the peak range (which lasts a half hr usually) it is like being in a dream but knowing you are in the dream.  You can’t control it and there is an amnesiac tendency just like waking up from a bad dream where you can only remember small parts and sometimes nothing but you just know it was bad, but can’t quite remember why.  Being unable to analyze the meat of the “trip” makes me feel like it’s a failure.  So its hard for me to “wake up” and not be able to remember.

There was a lot of chaos.  I can’t pinpoint what all that was but it felt like so many things are happening and I was in the middle of it but could not control anything around me.  So kind of like my life right now.  With Jym’s pending kidney surgery and both of our cars needing repair and work issues etc it has been a very chaotic time for us.  So for me to have this experience was not shocking.  As I think about it after the fact, although I can’t remember details I remember the feeling of the chaos at a very deep level and it reminds me that when I allow the chaos around me to get inside of me, it affects me on every level.  It is affecting everything including my health and my weight.  I am not someone who rolls with it all very well so I sort of feel like the last 3 years the universe is trying to force me to learn how to do that.

But the bigger part of the “trip” this time was not the chaos.  It was a bell.  It was soft at first, almost unnoticeable against the chaos spinning around me.  I could feel my brain trying to extract things from the visions of chaos and I had to tell myself to just let it happen and just let it all go and stop trying to control it or analyze it.  Things just kept flashing past me and I knew I was not going to remember any of it so I sort of felt like this one was just lost to me and I needed to just allow myself to try to just let my brain do whatever it does and get to the end.  There is a whole period of black where I remember nothing but there was a bell.  A big bell.  It was ringing gently in the background like at a distance but it got louder and louder and there was something about the bell.  It was bringing everything together.  I wish I could remember.  I felt very positive about the bell.  It was like it was calling everyone to gather or something.  Like everything was how it was supposed to be.  But then it was over and I was awake and trying desperately to fill in the gaps that my mind just would not allow. 

When it was time for me to go I was exceptionally groggy.  Could hardly keep my eyes open and things were spinning more than usual.  So I got into the car and was still trying to process it.  I told Jym about how weird the whole experience was and mentioned the bell.  I said that it felt like the Notre Dame bell.  For me when Notre Dame burned down I felt very connected to that.  I felt like it was very much like me, burned to ash.  I was sure that we would hear the great bell Emmanuel ring again.  But so far we have not.  I guess I feel like the bell inside of me is silent as well.  Jym said “But its still there.”  Yes.  It is there.  Jym thinks it is ringing whether I hear it or not.  I don’t think so.  I don’t think it is ringing at all. 

I feel like maybe the bell is my center, my clarity, my internal north.  It has been silent.  Like the bell high in the tower of Notre Dame.  I am afraid to allow it to ring for fear of further collapse.  I am afraid to call on it. Maybe it was letting me see that if I am able to allow it to ring then it can center me again and all else will fall away.  That would be great.  Now maybe next time will reveal how I could do that.  No seriously.  Because I do not know.  I do not even know how to begin. 

I did make a decision today to continue the treatments at least in the short term.  My final treatment of the protocol 12 will be on July 17.  I went ahead and scheduled 2 more to at least get me to the next appointment with the psychiatrist in August and hopefully by then I will have more clarity on what direction to go in.  I could technically do the 4 weeks after that in August.  September gets trickier but if I could do those weeks that would give me a total of 6 Bonus sessions which, if I am able to tolerate it, could be a game changer.  Or not.  I just don’t know.  I will say that my suicidal thoughts are down to more like once a week from every day right now so that is positive and I am slightly more able to be with other people in a social setting and not be a total nutcase so again, positive.  I would like to say I feel hopeful again but I am not there yet.  I would say I feel more level headed and calmer maybe.  More rational. 

This last treatment really exhausted me more than normal.  It felt deeper.   I don’t know how to describe it.  But I was definitely more knocked out both during the treatment and after.  Hopefully that means it is digging down deeper in my brain and really working.