The Blast

Session 7.  I was hoping it would be lucky session 7 but it was a weird day.  I downloaded a new meditation and tried to relax.  Today was Jym’s appointment regarding his kidney surgery and although I wanted to be with him it was the only apt we could get so he dropped me off.  I waited in the lobby for about 20 minutes and the TV screen was stuck on a waterfall after a few minutes of that I decided to read some Ireland blogs.  I was relaxed and ready when I went back.

I did ask if it would be possible for me to stay in the chair a bit longer today as I was going to have to wait for Jym to get back to pick me up and they worked it out so I could do that which was so helpful.

I guess every session has to be different in some way.  Today’s challenge was the noise cancelling headset that plays the soft music.  It kept shutting off.  I literally pressed the call button for the nurse 10 times.  The worst part of this was not just being the “problem child” (as I am sure the nurses were like UGH every time I pressed that button) but the first time it happened was literally a minute after I had sprayed my 3^rd dose into my nose. 

So the way the doses go for me is that dose 1 I am fine for about 3 minutes where I start to feel slight vertigo, a mild drunk feeling (I am sure this would be worse if I did not have the sleep mask on). I also start to taste the awful taste at this time.  At the 5 minute mark I am given dose 2.  This dose kicks in aa minute later where I feel everything intensify.  By the time that dose 3 comes at the 10 minute mark I am already having a very intense feeling.  The 3^rd dose hits immediately as I spray it and the experience ramps up exponentially.  Immediately after dose 3 I extend the chair back to almost a lay flat position. I do not do this prior because any movement of my head will cause extreme vertigo so I like to extend my foot rest out but do not recline the back at all until I am done dosing.

The ”trip” amps up quickly and reaches a peak.  This peak feels like it lasts maybe 30 minutes or so, varying in intensity over that time.  I usually feel very intense at the beginning and then a period in the middle where it almost feels I am coming down and then ramps up again.  I am, at all times, coherent enough to think.  I am not sure my mouth would keep that pace if I tried to talk however.  I think it is sort of like what being REALLY drunk would look like.  I am pretty sure that when the nurse showed up I held up the headset and tried to say “Music” but I am pretty sure it came out like mumbled “muuuuussssiiiicccc” Like I was a zombie. LOL.

So the headset goes off about a minute after I recline the chair so this is absolutely heading to peak and I am trying to reach the nurse call button.  I can now hear everything.  Although they try to keep it quiet in there and there is even a waterfall, it is a medical facility and so you hear monitors beeping etc.  I could also hear the nurses setting up other patients so my buzzer was going off but no one was coming and it was just not an option to just go without.  I tried to just relax and ignore all the sounds but that is not a good plan.  Finally she came and fixed it but it is hard because you can’t see what they are doing.  I could not see if I was tangled, or my position was somehow doing something to stop the playlist.  It happened over and over for the next hour.  They finally got it fixed but it was a real trial for it to happen when it did. 

The only thing I do remember of the actual experience was seeing myself as if outside my body.  I was kneeling and my head was up and it was as if a nuclear blast was hitting me.  It was like a flame made of the nebulous gases of the universe.  As it hit me it stripped everything off of me, meting my skin off all the way down to the bone.  Now you might think this would be a terrible experience but it was not unpleasant and I remembered again, my therapist, saying that I needed to focus on the feelings and not the images. Just like I felt the ketamine was digging up and stirring the hardened earth beneath me, I now felt like it was taking down every barrier and going right to my core.  I was naked, literally and figuratively down to the bone, it enveloped me, raced over me like the mighty wind. It was powerful. I think it was a good thing. I wish I didn’t have the technical issues going on so I could have focused on that more but what matters is the medicine is inside me working its silent magic and I need to hold faith in that.

The weird thing is that I did not have to pee.  Thankfully.  I mean I was too busy pressing the call button for the headset issues so that would have added an extra annoyance so I was glad I did not have to add peeing to the mess but I was surprised I didn’t have to go.  Always something unexpected.