The day Before

May 30.  The day before my 1^st treatment.  I just had my mandatory talk therapy that they require to prepare you for the treatment series which for me will begin tomorrow. 

I had a bit of an early morning meltdown when I logged on 20 minutes prior to my video apt to do my online check in and realized it was the most extensive dossier on my medical history I have ever seen.  It was so long and confusing.  I ended up almost having a panic attack and scrolling down to the end only filling n a few of the items.  The therapist said that was fine and I could do it at my leisure but honestly it was a lot and I don’t know if I even want to tackle that mess. 

I also was confused on where to get the video link so 9am came around and I could not find the link anywhere and started to panic.  But then right at 9am I got a second email with the video link so after that it was easy.

This therapy was to get me mentally prepared for what is to come.  She explained the process of arrival and how they have a free parking garage with plenty of spaces and it is connected to the clinic so easy and fast.  I live about 18 miles from the clinic but in traffic it can be over an hour so I wanted to prepare to be on time and even early so I am not stressed out.  I hate being late, although she assured me that they would not turn me away like other doctors would if I was late in traffic or something.  But for me being late anywhere creates undo stress for me.  It makes me feel like a failure.  So although it is comforting to know I won’t miss my appointment, it is also something I personally want to prepare for. 

I expressed my concern over the nausea and she did ask about my prior use of any street drugs (and assured me it was only so they can have all the information and would not affect me negatively).  I of course told her I have not ever done street drugs and only had experience with weed edibles in legalized settings but both times (in CA and CO) I became violently sick.  So it is a huge concern of mine. 

She said that I will get a sort of triple cocktail for nausea that they administer to everyone and I can also get a preemptive Zofran in the lobby when I arrive if I want that to help reduce my anxiety about being sick.  They are also a full medical facility equipped with doctors and equipment for all medical eventualities so that sets my mind a bit at ease. 

Another recommendation she had to reduce nausea is to put on the blindfold immediately after I administer the drug.  The Spravato is a nasal spray so you do it yourself.  She said it even has a small light on the bottle to let me know I have administered it successfully.  The first treatment I will begin with 2 squirts in each nostril and move up to 3 down the line but I can space them out and do not need to do them all at once.  She also said to just squirt it like I do with flonase or the Vitocin.  Don’t over think it.  I guess there is a lot online about the “best” ways to position the applicator etc and it is really all unnecessary. Just squirt, squirt. Easy.  She recommended maybe do one squirt in each nostril then wait 5 minutes when I will feel it kicking in and can decide if I want to administer the 2^nd dose or not.  It is just more for my anxiety level I think and the concern about my reaction than medical protocol.  So I am not sure what I will do but I do like the idea of spacing the dose.  She said the blindfold will keep me from having that drunk room spinning sensation so it is crucial to not remove it even if a doctor comes in to speak to me.  She said that even peeking out for a moment and seeing the world in a blurry distorted way can affect my sense of vertigo so I will definitely be heeding that advice. 

We also discussed what to expect in the room.  I will be in a cubicle sort of setting with a leather recliner and my blindfold and a noise cancelling headset which will play spa music.  She said there are facilities that will go deeper with the treatment and deliberately use music to elicit a certain response (like bringing out a trauma etc) but that they don’t do that in their clinic and prefer a more relaxing approach.  I hope I enjoy the spa music.  That is what I wanted.  I am hoping for some Buddhist monastery type stuff.  LOL. The more relaxing the better.  I think it will remind me of my acupuncture treatments which were always so relaxing. 

The drug itself should kick in about 5 minutes after I administer it and will peak for about a half hour before coming down and returning to normal.  After that I will need to remain in the clinic for the full duration of the 2 mandatory hours as required by law where I will be monitored for my vitals and any reactions.

She said that most people feel a sense of relaxation and calm when they come down. But that I should not expect a miracle healing after the first dose and that this will be a gradual and over time healing in small increments and to be aware of the changes in my mood and mental state, energy levels, etc. 

Despite them saying that they have a very high success rate with these treatments I could not help but think that I will be the one it doesn’t work for.  I want to be hopeful but I am feeling so hopeless right now and I know that in the past everything I tried has not worked when it seems to work for everyone else.  I expressed that.  I also expressed my fears that I am in a very bad place mentally right now so asked for advice on how to NOT bring that into the “trip”. 

One recommendation she had was to make sure I am calm before the treatment.  If I have a fight with say the person bringing me to the appointment for example (i.e. Jym and his driving skills) then I will bring that into my mind.  So if I have a major trauma directly before the treatment (bad argument, lose my job, car accident etc) then I need to tell them so we can talk it out BEFORE administering the drug. 

I asked if there was anything I can do to prepare myself to have the best experience that I can.  The recommendation was to focus on trusting my body and my mind to work together for healing.  I am not someone who trusts my body or my mind right now.  Not at all so I am not sure how to do this.  I mean do I just say it over and over again and hope I can trick myself into believing it?  I don’t know.  I feel like my body and mind will just get together and be all like “SURE you trust us…laugh emojis…” They know I do not.  So I really don’t know how to deal with that aspect of it. 

She said the treatment makes some people hot and some cold so to dress in layers and they do provide nice blankets but I can also bring my own if I feel I need it.  I can also bring any comfort items I have like a stuffed animal.  I am considering Nemu, this large penguin I have that is super soft and when I get upset Jym tells me to hug the Nemu Nemu.  He is a comfort to me.  I also have small hearts that Jym sewed for me and are much smaller so maybe start with the Nemu and work down to something more pocket sized. Nemu is quite large and I feel ridiculous walking into a clinic as a 52 year old adult with a soft toy but I need to remind myself that this is about me and not other people and I need to give myself every chance for this to work and work well so whatever that means. 

After the treatment I will be able to rest at the clinic but she suggested NOT sleeping or napping for more than a half hour because some people will sleep all day and then be unable to sleep at night.  So I can do normal things afterward and will be awake and alert but I cannot drive or attempt anything strenuous.  I think it will be hard for me to rest and not sleep but she warned of insomnia and throwing off my sleep schedule if I sleep too much during the day of treatment despite my body being very tired from the experience which I guess will be taxing and exhausting for my body and mind.  So I will have to see how that goes for me as well.  I am someone who likes a good nap and I don’t know that my body will adjust to a 20 minute quickie.  LOL. Especially when I feel exhausted.  I am going to let my body tell me what it needs and go from there.  This is a good week for this because I am off work so I can do what I need to when I need to. 

I am also very blessed because right now in town from CO is a dear friend, my oldest friend in the world and someone who is a huge advocate for alternative therapies and she is in town for a convention of doctors who believe the same so I know I will be surrounded this week by that good energy.  Today we are going to EPCOT to enjoy the flowers and foods and wines of the world and I just know I will be immersed in positive energy and her guiding light which is so needed right now because my anxiety is through the roof.