The Journey Begins

I had a wonderful day on Tuesday at epcot.  It was exactly what I needed to prepare myself mentally and let’s be honest, to distract me. It was exactly what I needed and I was totally relaxed and separated from the thoughts and fears I had about the upcoming treatment. 

Wednesday morning I got up early.  I did not eat of drink at all and was fasting.  I wanted to make sure I had nothing in me to throw up.  I didn’t even take my thyroid meds which are usually my morning pill but I was afraid to put anything in there.  I was told later that it is ok to take the pill with a small bit of water so I will definitely do that next time.  But I wanted to be certain. 

One thing I was warned against was having arguments prior to the treatments.  They want you to be relaxed so you can have the best experience possible and not a “bad trip”.  They said that if I do feel that has happened to let them know and they will talk to me until I am in a good place for the treatment.  Well I decide that to avoid arguing with my “driver” Jym I should drive myself to the clinic (and allow him to drive home afterward) I know that we traditionally do not do well when he is driving and I did not want to start an argument.  I forgot that this would require me to actually DRIVE my car which not only is still wrecked from being hit in the parking lot when we were on vacation by the hit and run driver but I have not heard from insurance yet.  I have a bad reactionary situation where I just feel extra anxiety right now behind the wheel.  The traffic does not help.  I am also taking a backroad there to avoid I4 and it is not a road I travel frequently. 

Halfway there I see my GPS is taking me off the road I am used to and to a road I had never used but the traffic was so backed up that it said 9 miles 39 minutes.  NO.  So I took the detour route but that added more stress.  Jym could tell I was not doing well and reached over and took my hand and told me it was ok and to not stress out.

This worked until we got to the point on the GPS that said “You’ve arrived” and the clinic or the parking garage was no where around.  We first drove into an upper lot and I knew that was wrong.  The garage was supposed to be right next to the clinic.  We then parked at a garage across the way which I also knew was wrong.  After walking around in a daze and realizing I was not even on the right STREET we got back in the car and found that the original parking area it took me too was the backside of the main garage on another street.  But by the time we figured out where we needed to be my mental state was questionable. 

The door to the clinic is locked so you have to buzz in and so I am glad Jym was with me to figure that out as my panic brain could only question why the door was locked but not solve the problem which is kind of how my mind works lately. 

Inside I had to fill out an on screen check in and Jym had to sign as my driver.  I also paid my copay for the doctor/facility monitoring.  They gave me a program pamphlet where I can sign up to be reimbursed for this portion of the treatment which was awesome and I had no idea.  I am all in for paying even less.  It requires that I send them a special receipt as well as my EOB from my insurance company but then this program thru Jansen will reimburse me for the out of pocket costs of the monitoring which is very cool.  I will have to keep track of all of that and submit but I am willing to do the leg work to get the money back which will amount to about $240 over the course of treatment. 

As I am navigating all this new stuff I started to tear up and I could feel the overwhelming pressure of what was about to come.  I think the receptionist noticed that and said “You will be ok” and that made me cry even more I think.  I then waited in the lobby for my turn.  Jym put his arm around me and tried to comfort me but It was hard to have good thoughts.  I was sitting there with this huge stuffed penguin Nemu like a child crying into my husband’s shirt.  How did we get here?  I mean what the hell was I about to do?  There were maybe 8-10 other people in the beautiful lobby with me and all of them looked fine.  I was the only one melting down. 

The patients ranged from a well dressed older woman to younger college student looking kids.  It was really a very diverse group.  No one talked.  No one read a magazine although they were available.  Everyone just sat there and scrolled on their phones or stared into the abyss.  I was very uncomfortable in this environment designed to make me feel comfort.  They had spa like décor with a TV screen playing a video of flowers in fields, big fluffy couch pillows and all very upscale.  But I was just not being sold I guess.  I was trying to focus on the though the therapist told me…”I trust my body and mind to heal me” I do not.  I still do not.  But if you say it enough times it is true right?