Thoughts before my first full dose

My first full dose treatment is at 1 today (Wednesday was the introductory dose) and my friend Cindy is being generous enough to take me there. Jym will pick me up afterward.  It is a challenge to navigate transport sometimes because the clinic is so far from me (about an hour) and I don’t have a lot of friends here to help so Jym and I are trying to do most of this alone like we do everything but sometimes it takes a village you know.

It will be nice to have a friend in those moments before, but I will be in the clinic alone without Jym which is going to suck.  My nerves get the best of me there I think.  And I can’t see today being any better than Wednesday except I know a bit more of what to expect as far as the process goes. 

Yesterday I had a weird incident.  I had run over to Disney Springs to grab a baby gift for a friend and I had not really eaten except some corn at home before I left.  I didn’t want a meal and just felt not hungry so I grabbed fries at the Poutine cart.  Just fries.  I know my stomach does not do well with fried things but usually that takes a while to kick in.  I am sitting there eating them and all of a sudden have an overwhelming urge to vomit.   I have been having some moments of very slight almost unnoticeable vertigo since the treatment but I didn’t notice that at all at this moment and just knew I was going to puke.  I immediately started to look around for where to throw up.  I mean there are people everywhere.  I spit out the fries in my mouth and raced to the bathroom where the line was a mile long.  I threw away the rest of the fries and the sensation left me enough for me to just get out of there.  I have never had that happen.  I was not choking etc.  Nothing out of the ordinary so I don’t know if this is some weird reaction or just maybe bad fries. 

Anyway, I still feel somewhat upset in my stomach today so I took the advice of the clinic and ate some eggs at 7am.  They said I was ok to eat 4 hrs before but nothing after that but I wanted to be well clear of that bar.  They said I didn’t have to fast all night long like I was doing especially with a 1pm apt so that is good at least although I do want to do anything I can to reduce my chances of getting sick. I also drank some Drip Drops electrolytes which seems to be my go-to for everything. I am hoping to just hydrate without a lot of water and so now I am here fasting and not drinking and just waiting so I thought I would write to squeeze out some anxiety I am having.

Last night I was thinking how hard these next 2 months are going to be.  All of my free time will be spent at this clinic, trying not to puke with a terrible taste in my mouth and people screaming like cats thru my noise canceling headphones. (yes it is a bit of a mental ward feel in that aspect.  You can make it look like a spa but in the end it is a bunch of sick people trying to get well whatever that takes).

I think maybe people think this is a fun way to “get high”.  I can assure you that it is not.  It is a commitment of time. You lose the entire day every time you get a treatment because you can’t drive and honestly I am so tired I cannot even sit at my computer and type afterward.  You just feel beaten up and exhausted mentally and physically.  It is also a commitment to navigating your own personal reactions to the medicine.  That includes vomiting, vertigo, strange unpleasant sensations (like the softest thing I own feeling like the scratchiest or my entire face feeling numb…and not in a Pink Floyd sort of way but in a bad trip to the dentist sort of way), spending a half hour trying to swallow your own saliva to clear the awful taste in your mouth and don’t forget the ever present voice in your head telling you that this might not even work at all.  And finally, it is a commitment to the end result, whatever that may be.  There are no guarantees here and the reality is that this does not work for some people.  I am fully aware I am usually that person and might be this time as well. This time and money may be the best thing I have ever done or be a complete waste.

God I am struggling with this all and it is only week 1.  How the hell will I survive the next 2 months of this?  I honestly do not know how people survive chemo.  In a way this depression is my cancer.  It might kill me.  I know to people who aren’t depressed that sounds over dramatic and how could I possibly compare cancer to depression.  But trust me when you know, you know.  This is just as much of a cancer on my body and mind and most of the “cures” for it are in fact not cures at all.  They are just bandaids or ways to cover up the problem and not solve it. 

That is why Ketamine attracted me.  It had the potential for remission.  If someone said you can take these pills that will make you feel better but the cancer will just keep eating you alive inside and you will need more and more of these pills to mask that and god help you when they all stop working or you can try this other path that is going to suck in a lot of ways but it has the potential to CURE the disease would you not take that option?  That is why I am doing this.  Because I want more for myself.  Because I KNOW that health (both in my body and my mind) is out there.  I glimpsed it before.  I had remission.  That is what I desire.  Because just masking the problem with pills is not how I want to live my life.  I need to remind myself of that every time I walk through that locked door to the clinic.   I need to remember that when the exhaustion owns me or I wonder if I am going to expel the contents of my stomach or bowels all over the floor.  I need to just do the small things that can make this more comfortable and learn as I go.  Like take soft socks for my feet and a better sleep mask to block the light more, maybe adjust the headset when the piano parts come on, drink more water and be kinder to my body on the days when I am recovering.  I don’t know.  I am new to this all.  But I just want everyone to know that this is not an easy journey.  No one in that clinic looked excited to be there.  It is not just “take some drugs and feel good” like I think a lot of people mistakenly assume. 

Which I guess is a good place to address something that has been asked of me which is if the clinic is a place for addicts to go or could addicts rob the place for their “fix”.  NO.  First of all the drugs there are prescribed not stored.  So I have to get the physical prescription from a pharmacy and they deliver it and this clinic administers it.  It comes in my name and only enough for my session.  So it is not stockpiled there.  Second of all these are medicinal doses and not addiction doses.  I almost think an addict would be seriously disappointed even if they tricked their way into the program as a patient. The Spravato that I am using is 5 times concentrated but only the healing molecule of the drug.  It is not straight Ketamine.  So it reduces significantly the “high” and gives you more of the healing property of the drug.  The IV drug might be closer to the actual drug (I am not sure about all of that since it is not the path I am taking) but at like $500 a session addicts aren’t really affording that. 

I am trying to be as open and honest with this blog and the process as I can so that people can understand the process for their own knowledge and any one who is considering it can make an informed choice for themselves.  This process is not easy.  Not the insurance stuff, or the therapy or the treatment.  It is a deep commitment of your time and I highly recommend taking ALL the advice that is provided to you to better your experience and to better your outcome.  I literally listen to everything they tell me to do and I do it.  I do not want to come out at the end of this with regrets.  That is why today I will do the full dose.  I cannot chicken out on that.  I must endure it.  No matter what.  I have to know in my heart that I gave this everything I have.