To Infinity and Beyond

Well this is a good example of how awful I am at putting me first and being able to just stop the world and focus on what I need.  So I wake up and I am all planning on doing my meditation.  I have my ketamine scheduled for 11 so we leave at 10 so I do the meditation at 9.  I try to get things done around the house before that.  So I don’t notice there is a problem until around 8 when I sit down at my laptop and glance over at the DVR box for the time and see it is dark.

WTF.  I did get an email that they were doing an upgrade overnight so maybe it shut the box off somehow.  I tried to turn it on, wiggled the cables, the whole 9 yards.  Nothing.  I call Spectrum and their useless no human line where the bot attempts to reboot the box unsuccessfully.  It then tells me to wait 10 minutes and call back if it doesn’t magically restart.  I used that 10 minutes to lose my mind.  I knew that box was not coming back up including everything I had recorded on it including an entire season of a show I love that I was hoping to binge watch.  Ugh. 

When I call back I do get a human eventually who tells me the box is shot.  No kidding.  So I need to either wait DAYS for them to mail me one (I guess they don’t send people out for this anymore) or I can go to one of their locations and get one.  I choose that.  But the guy forgets to mention that they only open at 10 so I drive all the way there mad as hell and its CLOSED. 

Now you may be asking yourself WTF is wrong with me.  Why I didn’t just wait and return the box later or have Jym do it.  Well he is in his finals week of classes and I didn’t want to stress HIM out.  I also am not someone who likes to add things to the To Do list.  Just do it.  SO I just did it and this is what I get.  I am driving home from my unsuccessful attempt and I am just stewing it the rage.  This is NOT good for me.  I put on the SPA channel on XM.  Music is great and relaxing but I was just not in the place for it.  Then I try to grab a quick 10 minute meditation when I get home before we leave.  Terrible plan.  I lay there staring at the ceiling and trying to calm myself. 

We leave and I force Jym to keep the spa channel on the radio for me.  I am now researching where HE can take the box while I am in my treatment. 

SO something I did not mention is that yesterday while I was in my treatment Jym was at the surgeon trying to find out how extensive of a kidney surgery he would need.  He picks me up and is mad as hell.  Apparently the dr needed the disc (which we inquired several times was being SENT to him and was assured it was) and he only receive the report.  He said he needs to physically see the scans before he can determine which surgery he will need.  Based on the report he is guessing it will be an extensive one because at least one of his stones is over 10mm.  So again we are left with no plans and no clue what is going on.  So after my treatment we had to go stand in this radiology office for a half hour stewing in both of our collective rage (and yes I went inside with him because as drugged up as I was, I am still the one who makes things happen and understands what I am asking for).  So we thankfully got a very helpful person who not only provided the disc but gave us email access to the portal so we can view as well.  So today he had to drive all the way back to Celebration to drop this disc off and NOW ALSO get the cable box replaced and go to the post office with things I needed mailed.  So he is my errand boy at this point and he is NOT happy about it. 

He drops me off and quickly signs as my driver and leaves.  I watched the relaxing screen a bit and was called back about 20 minutes later which gave me time to relax as best I could at that point. 

This time I did not have to pee (2 days in a row!  Yay bladder!) and my headset worked the entire time so that was all good.  My thoughts were scattered but at the peak of all of it I did notice that I was a spaceship.  I think I have been watching way too much “Orville” lately. LOL.  It is that “ketamine black” I talked about before.  Close your eyes.  It is black.  Now cover your closed eyes.  It is more black.  Now imagine the blackest of blacks and that is Ketamine black.  It makes all the other blacks just not black, more grey.  So I am again in that vast black space with tiny stars and I am on a ship or I am the ship. Jym says this sounds like a pretty good “trip” to him. LOL. 

I would say that it was a pretty uneventful session really.  No big epiphanies but my survey that they make you take found me up a bit which is good.  I am moving slowly in the right direction, albeit barely noticeably at times.  But I can feel a slight betterment in my mood.  I think that at least bodes well headed into my next 4 weeks to complete the protocol I just don’t know what comes after that and it worries me.  I mean if I am progressing so slowly how will the next 4 weeks on a lower dose help me?  And what happens after that? I get my answers on my mid protocol therapy apt in the morning.