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I was very hopeful for today after I got off work early yesterday and was able to get a lot of my usual panic things done before my ketamine today.  But driving there we heard a terrible noise at the same intersection where the car dropped off the tow truck a few weeks ago.  I am pretty sure it is my bumper continuing to separate from the car as I try to limp it by to get to the day I can repair it.  What is worse is that Jym’s car now needs repair and the next day we can do it is the day before his surgery and the same day I planned to fix MY car so now I have that stress and trying to navigate that. I try to block this crap out of my mind but it piles up and I start to spiral.

We arrive at the clinic and Jym realizes he forgot his phone.  We were able to use my tracker to see it was at the house but he didn’t want to drive an hour back to get it, so I gave him mine.  This stressed me out as now I did not have a way to know what time it was, and I also did not have any means of contacting him.  He goes off and wanders the city while I am in my treatments and does not stay around the clinic. I wanted to make sure that he had some comfort of the phone so I sacrificed my own.

I know I have become super reliant on my phone as an extension of me somehow and that is not good.  I remember going to NZ in 2010 and not having my phone and how freeing it was.  But now all these years later the phone is like everything. 

On top of it the waiting room was packed with humans.  I guess that it’s the day before the holiday so I am sure they were fuller than normal because of that and it showed when it was my turn.  I got on the far side of the room.  I don’t know why, and it sounds ridiculous, but I just don’t like that side of the room.  It feels bad to me.  It is also far from the bathroom, which statistically I will need to use at least twice when I am not really in the best clear mind.  So at this point I noticed there are needles on my tray and not my spravato which I thought was odd and then the music was not playing on the headset again.  It felt very off from the start which does not put me in a good place going into the treatment.

Then the nurse shows up to tell me they have run out of Zofran (for my nausea). Great. Don’t even get me started on why they would run out but again it was the day before a holiday and it was FULL. The one pill they did give me was to be taken with water and that is another thing I don’t like as it takes too long to work and without the Zofran it makes it worse.  But I didn’t want to be difficult so I just sucked it up and took it.

Then they used the regular blood pressure cuff on me.  For some reason it never works right and ends up inflating and deflating over and over and so they started using a wrist model which I liked so much more but for some reason today it was the regular cuff again and the same issues.  It did it so much that it left a mark on my arm.  It was so unpleasant.  I should have (again) just asked for the wrist one but they seemed busy and I didn’t want to be high maintenance. 

Then came the spray.  They finally came in with my prescription.  I was starting to worry because we had a snafu last week.  I had called Tuesday to pay for this week (as per the protocol) and the pharmacy took my card number but then claimed on Friday at 3 when I was working that they didn’t get it which initiated 2 phone calls and an email and text from the clinic.  I was unable to call but thankfully cleared it up via text and they “found” the issue and delivered it for me supposedly. 

So when I sprayed it the first dose felt like water but almost immediately went into my throat.  Then the second dose caused me to sneeze.  Now I try to hold my nose closed when I feel that urge and I did that and thought I had stopped it but the minute I let go ACHOO.  All over me.  It was running out my nose and sprayed all over my shirt.  By the time I hit the 3^rd dose I was in a bad place.

In addition, the music was awful.  I usually really enjoy the playlists.  There are different ones and you don’t really pick but I have never had any issues with an entre playlist before.  Well this was unbearable.  It was heavily piano music and then there was a LOT of percussion which to me is very jarring in that setting.  In addition, there were other weird noises I assume which were supposed to elicit feelings or whatever but they were awful like a shaking of beans sound and even the rocking of a creaky wood rocking chair on a porch sound.  The whole thing was so unenjoyable and I could not stop thinking about how awful it was.  Most of these playlists consist of multiple songs back to back so if you don’t love one you can usually just wait a few minutes and you get something else but this was one bad one after another.  I wanted to take the headset off completely but the sounds in there were already bad.  It was like an ER today for some reason.  Usually it is pretty spa like and fairly quiet.  Today it was nothing but people talking loudly and monitors beeping and I could tell that they were busy.  There were 4 monitors going off at the same time and one of them was mine, so I felt like AGAIN for the 3^rd time I didn’t want to be an inconvenience and I suffered as a result.

Eventually when was maybe a half hour to being done I got up to pee and Caitlyn saw me and I mentioned the playlist and asked her if she can tell me which one it is because I wanted to make sure to not get it again.  She looked and said it is not even one of their normal playlists and has no clue where it even came from.  It is an ipad situation where I am sure some other patient possibly asked for it to be on there for them and when I sat down and it wasn’t playing the nurse just picked it.  The point is that the minute I mentioned it they fixed it for me.  So if you are ever in this situation just ask. 

In fact, across the board any of the things that caused me stress in that session could have been eliminated if I had just put myself first.  I am paying for this care. Being in a place of my own empowerment where I am willing to say “This is not working for me” whatever that is, and ask that it be fixed is my right.  I would also say that it is important to be kind in the asking.  A simple “would it be possible…” or “Is there any way…”. In all 3 of these situations if I had simply asked for what I needed politely I am certain it would have been provided. But it is very typical of me to just “tolerate” things so I don’t make waves or inconvenience anyone. That needs to change for me if I am going to get everything I can from this treatment. 

Ironically the “trip” today was the least notable thing.  It is extremely hard to focus on the experience when I was distracted so deeply by everything else.  I wish I could say that I can even remember any of it but I don’t.  This happens and is part of the amnesiac affect of the drug.  Like a dream, I can’t quite remember, I “woke” unsettled but no closer to any great epiphany for sure.  I do remember a small part.  I was being eaten by some parasite that was huge and I guess it was swallowing me whole and then I think it vomited me up because I was exiting its scaly inside and was released out into the blackness of the universe.  I would liken it to being birthed though. It sounds ridiculous.  Can’t explain it.  It was just what it was. 

I will say that the sensation of being birthed is supposed to be one of the most traumatic and the brain “forgets” that experience so I guess me feeling quite uncomfortable with this “birthing” trip is fitting.