Bonus Blooming

Bonus Spravato #1.  After last week I was not at all sure what to expect and I tried really hard to expect nothing but let’s face it I am not good at that at all.  I have decided on 6 bonus treatments and then go onward from there.  At this point with Jym’s surgeries and our car repairs and now the blown AC unit to the tune of $7000 I am going to hold on the lozenges for now.  It is just not a sound financial choice for me.  But I can continue with the Spravato at a relatively reasonable out of pocket cost.  In fact after a short conversation with a fellow patient in the waiting room I learned her copay for the med was $25 when mine is $10 so I obviously have good insurance when it comes to this.  I am grateful for that and despite not having mind blowing results this is at least something and I hope it works going forward for me and I am able to extract what I need from it. 

I have also recently become aware that Oregon has become the first state to legalize psilocybin therapy.  It was psilocybin therapy that originally attracted my attention and led me eventually down the Ketamine path as it was available, and the psilocybin was not.  This was exciting news to me not because I live anywhere near there but because it is my sincere hope that this treatment, like Ketamine, becomes more readily available to people who need it and we can start to explore the benefits of that in other states.  I also hope that the cost becomes more reasonable as right now it is listed as $1000-$2000 per session (making Ketamine look downright cheap).  The session is also 6-7 HOURS long which seems like a lot of commitment.  I am uncertain how many treatments are recommended but it would seem that right now this is a therapy only available to the wealthy.  And obviously this is far from an option for me anytime soon.  So for now I plod along with what IS available and affordable for me.

I entered this bonus session, my first outside the protocol, a bit out of sorts.  It was an earlier appointment than I am used to and so I didn’t have any of my usual writing time or meditation time.  We are also dealing with an insurance denial for Jym’s surgery so he was trying to call them when I went into my session.  I did my checklist in my head and my anti-nausea meds were waiting for me when I got to my cubicle.  I tried to slow myself down but I am just not really good at that. 

Thankfully I had a good cubicle and the good playlist.  I think that playlist makes a world of difference.  I have to say there was a lot to unpack in this one.  I feel like so much comes and goes for me and I don’t remember most of it so if something I deem valuable pops up I try very hard to remember it and then take brief notes after the session so I can ruminate on it later. 

There are often a lot of filler happening.  You see things. They don’t really feel like they have significance or they do.  You really have to search through it all.  It isn’t like most of it is readily available as instant epiphanies.  So it is a lot of confusing haze.  I was also told to focus on feelings.  What does this make you feel?  But honestly I don’t feel a lot in these sessions and part of that, I think, is the dissociative affect of the drug.  In a way, this is valuable.  I didn’t even think about it until this week but I think the dissociative affect is always labeled as a side effect but I actually feel like it is extremely valuable.  The things you are experiencing are often just what they are, devoid of emotion.  Like when I see monsters (which is quite often for me) they don’t “feel” terrifying.  I mean they definitely come across as bad but I don’t react to them. Like I see the monster and think “That is a monster. “ But I don’t think “OMFG IT’S A MONSTER!!!” Its just a monster.  In what world is that the case? If only I could see real work monsters and react that way.  If only I could dissociate myself from those feelings of fear and terror in my real life.  Just thinking about that has made a big different for me just since yesterday when I had this consideration.  I think the drug allows you to sort through the wasteland of fears and anxiety in your usual life but in a place where you are disconnected from it. 

That is not to say that there have always been NO emotions or feelings for me.  I do feel some things but not intensely.  I just experience it but not in a negative way.  The only real feelings I have had in my “visions” were ones of peace and calm and connection in a place where I feel no connection.  I know that makes no sense.  How can you feel some things and not others and how can you connect to one thing and not the thousands of others?  I don’t know.  It is just my experience with it.  Monsters are just monsters like as if drawn on a page but in motion.  They are monsters but not MONSTERS. 

So this week’s trip included a lot of strange cartoon characters.  At one point I thought, “I think this is my husband’s trip.” Lol.  I got nothing from that it was just what it was.  Again.  Just a lot of useless filler.  You have to wade through it and try to pick out the things that feel useful to you. 

There was more purple and green and there was a caterpillar.  I was inside him and I could see him ingesting me into him.  I also had the experience of being “birthed” out again into the universe which was a recurring theme for me.  The other odd thing that is a recurring item is a stone monolith.  Its not a wall.  It’s a stone pillar of sorts.  It is old.  Like ancient stone, pocked and pitted and uneven but I can see it both clearly and in the haze.  It has sky behind it so it has a shape but I have never really seen it in its entirety.  Its just there.  It doesn’t evoke emotion.  I just see it.  See?  Some shit makes no sense.  It is just there.  I note this only because it is something I have seen before.  My mind seems to like to call it up for whatever reason.  Maybe I don’t know why now but maybe putting it down on paper will stir something up for me down the line. 

The 2 things that stood out to me most in this trip was a metal suit like Ironman but very large and it was pushing things out of the way and forging a path and then I saw the head of the metal transformer thing and inside was a female face and she was asleep.  I felt like I was her.  Not certain why.  Like I was seeing me inside the suit of armor.  I was resting.  Maybe it was me making my way through the mess of my mind in my armor to protect me.  LOL.  Either way it was a good experience. I take those when I can get them.

The other thing, and probably the most significant, was the sensation of light and dark things falling into a hole in front of me.  Under my feet were petals or scales. Pink. Soft. As these light and dark things went into the hole the hole filled up and I saw myself jumping into the hole with all the pieces and then something began growing from the hole in an upward direction like a flower.  It was created of the light and the dark pieces. In that moment, I felt the sense that all of the little petty worries I had and all the people who were weighing on my mind were simply part of the whole. 

Before my session I had been talking to Jym about the distress of some relationships I have been struggling with and was uncertain about how to proceed.  Do I just write them off from my life and move on?  Do I address the issues and hope for change?  I was really struggling but somehow for me this one moment in my trip made me feel like it’s all ok.  Like it is all part of life and part of the way it all fits together.  I can’t describe it but it made sense to me.  I had this sensation that it was all OK and that it would all work itself out and most importantly that the bumps and lumps of our lives are part of the rest of it and all connected and when poured into the vessel together all of it created the whole.  And the whole was not complete without all the lumps.  It really affected me more than probably any other vision in that I was able to really think about it beyond the moment and have it help my brain to answer my own questions.  Questions I have had weighing on me for MONTHS. 

I am having to skip my session next week because of Jym’s surgery.  I just can’t make it work to get there and back so I canceled it but I have another one the week after and I hope having this one week off will be ok and not set me back at all in my progress but just allow me more time to better myself and my mind for the sessions to come.  I felt very positive after this session and I hope that continues for me.  I feel like I am moving in a positive direction.