The struggle is real

When I started the Spravato I had high hopes for it.  I guess I hoped for a miracle and although I didn’t get a miracle I did see results eventually and I had hope that it was moving me in a positive direction.  In the final weeks prior to this post I had lost my suicidal ideation completely and although I wasn’t exactly skipping through the daisies, I did feel more level and stable emotionally.  I was even trying to expand my social circle which I had extremely limited the last few years.  But stick your neck out and get it cut off I guess. 

Once the covid hit me things changed.  I was not just physically sick from covid.  Yes there is the initial illness and you struggle with the symptoms, always new and always changing.  There is the loss of smell and taste which has been hard physically when I would bleach my bathroom and was unable to smell it, or sprayed the Lysol and was affected by the aerosol fumes physically but couldn’t smell it so I was unaware I was doing damage to my lungs which were already compromised. But also mentally worrying that these senses won’t return, having that unsettling feeling that you can’t smell or taste anything. 

There is the terror in the darkness of the night when you can’t breathe right and you are alone in your bed with the darkness enveloping you.  When I would question whether I took the right course of action in regard to the antiviral and turning it down.  When I question why I didn’t stay in my hotel room that weekend.  Why I even attempted to be around people against my better judgement and social anxiety.  When I would wonder if I will ever get over this. 

Then there is the isolation.  It is almost in shadow.  You don’t notice it affecting you because you are too distracted by all the other symptoms of the disease.  But it is actually one of the worst parts of covid.  I spent 2 weeks in almost total isolation.  I did have those few days with my husband when he was home, but I tried to stay apart from him having this weird fear that although I had already infected him, I would somehow infect him MORE, if that makes sense.  I know it doesn’t, but it was in my mind.  I went out for my ketamine that once but I was alone in a cubicle.  Not a lot of human interaction there. 

At the end of the 2 weeks when I was still coughing, I had a rough day when I fell deep into the suicidal well again.  Thankfully the next day I was feeling mildly better and was able to eventually come out of it.  I know that Spravato is not a miracle or a linear journey.  It has its ups and downs and I experienced a down.  A severe down.  When you are in that down period it is easy to doubt the drug working.  I have to remember that when I was on pills I had these same crashes. 

I did test negative and was able to go to another session which will be my last for over a month.  I am out of town and then I just have problems getting a ride there so I think the bulk of my sessions are over for now so I am curious to see how I maintain.  My session did not go well.  I mean it wasn’t awful but I was just very worn down and did not feel any trip at all.  I was very out of it and almost just sedated.  Every session is so different.  But I just try to remind myself that as long as the medicine gets inside me it is doing its silent work even when I am unaware of it.  I now get to experience what it is like to let it ride and see how I do in the real world without this treatment for a while.