the cosmic highway

Well yesterday was an unexpected test of my “remission”.  One I did not plan on and was a bit of a bumpy ride.  I started my morning trying to set up this weight loss program I am trying to get on with my dr.  It has been a lot of screwing around and useless appointments which just result in more copays and more waiting so when I was trying to deal with this a mere hour and a half before my treatment it was hard. It also resulted in me being late leaving for the clinic which stressed me out a bit.

I arrive to a pretty quiet waiting room and sign in.  There is another woman there with a man.  She was apparently on her first visit and I assume from the cost it was NOT for Spravato but IV Ketamine or intramuscular injection.  I got called back and got my favorite chair right by the bathroom.  There are a total of probably 10 chairs plus a private room which I have never been in.  The chairs are all sort of in private cubicles with the top areas open to the room.  I settle into my chair with all my comforts and start the dosing.  Lately I have been leaving my eye mask off for the first 2 doses and then put it on.  I used to have it on the whole time but I find as long as I put it on when I start to feel the drug kick in I am fine. 

Anyway, I see the other woman being ushered into her cube on the other side of the room. I put on my eye mask and finish with dose #3 and away I go. 

Now I have to admit that going into this session I was worried because I have been doing so well and I didn’t want to do anything to upset that apple cart.  I also had a rough morning with some bumps but now that I was in the chair I felt like I could salvage it.  I tried to breathe and relax.  I had my favorite chair, my favorite playlist and it was pretty empty in there.  They are usually packed full but have been steering people away from Mondays because of issues getting the meds from the pharmacy after the weekend.  But for me I can only do Mondays so it is what it is but it seemed to be working out as I had the place to myself mostly. 

At first I had no reaction (which happens but I thought with being away for 3 weeks I would usually get a pretty vivid trip).  I just sat there relaxing and thinking about life and how good I have been feeling.  Eventually I started to react to the drug and had a nice convertible drive down the cosmic highway, saw a green panther big and strong, and saw my Aztec carvings this time as towers which would melt gently like chocolate and then reform perfectly, then a sort of Balinese carving with flowers all over it.  I was really immersed in this when I started to hear coughing.  A LOT of coughing.  Like someone had covid.  I assumed someone must have come in after I put my eye mask on.  I do have on noise canceling headsets but they are not perfect and you do hear noises like the monitors or talking.  Usually it is just muffled in the background and easy to shut off but this coughing was loud and did not stop.  All I could think initially was how selfish it is for someone to show up that sick.  But then the coughing (after a good 10 minutes) became puking.  They are very specific about not eating or drinking 4 hours before and I actually fast overnight.  Puking is bad enough but if you eat or drink it prolongs the experience of puking.  Clearly she had eaten because it was a lot of puking.  Then coughing, then puking.

I tried to adjust my headset.  Then the crying started and not just crying but sobbing and then wailing like a banshee.  No amount of volume control or adjustments was blocking that out.  At one point I just took them off because it was ruining my playlist.  It is like taking the most relaxing, beautiful sound and puking on it.  Literally. This wailing and sobbing and puking went on and on.  I went to pee (even before my 45 min. BP check) and lets just say it was a hard hour and a half til I could finally leave.

I had some feelings about this and they were all over the place.  First I felt bad for the woman who was reacting so poorly to her treatment. I thought of all the people on the online group I am on  who have bad trips and end up in these awful experiences.  I am also grateful that the worst I had was session 3 where I was crying (but silently to myself) and had to talk to Caitlyn about it. I also had feelings about the fact that I have waited 3 weeks for this one treatment and it went so poorly.  But mostly I feared the outcome of it all.  I kept trying to tell myself that the medicine was still working in me whether I had a good or bad experience.  I literally was repeating that over and over that hour and half.  I got the dose in me and that is what matters. But I also worried that somehow that would set me back.  

Strangely I also saw it as a real test for the “remission”.  Could I still maintain the level head space when things were all going poorly? I was tested with that a bit when I got home as well and had to deal with some family issues.  It was a very stressful day and I have to admit I had some sadness and anxiety and was quite overwhelmed at times but I was able to get through it and today felt just fine.  So I was thankful for that.  My next treatment is in 2 weeks.  I am trying to do every other week but with my work schedule sometimes there will be 3 or 4 weeks between so I just have to take it one week at a time and see how it goes.  I am trying to not put pressure on it all and just take advantage of the positive energy when I have it.  This session allowed me to see that life can be crazy and sad things can happen and I can BE sad like a normal person but that does not mean the depression is back.  I know the difference and I need to trust myself on that.